Stash Report

The Lamentations of a Greedy Child

What’s under my Christmas tree?
What did Santa Claus bring for me?
Mama says that I suffer from greed…
But there’s lots of stuff I really need.

I’m not talking about homemade presents.
(These are the things that I deeply resent.)
What I really want comes from a store…
And while a little is nice, I prefer more.

Comes the morning…

Hey… all I got was this piece of coal!
Something that comes from a dirty hole,
This chunk of rock isn’t much fun…
And to make matters worse… I only got one!

End

When Millie Caught Me Under The Mistletoe

When Millie caught me under the mistletoe,
We locked lips and she wouldn’t let go.

Now, I know it’s tradition… a holiday custom
But man! My lips… I thought she’d bust ‘em.

Her eyes had the gaze of ho-ho-ho
But when we joined lips, she wouldn’t let go.

At first, her kiss was so gentle and sweet
But then she decided to floss my teeth.

With all my might, I tried to remove her
But she had the suction of a deluxe Hoover.

I thought she might turn me inside out…
It became clear I was losin’ this bout.

So I decided to fight fire with fire…
To kiss her back… and hope she’d tire.

But the greater effort I tried to put in,
The more I realized my Millie would win.

So in the end, she had her way…
She decided when to end our play.

Kissing was what kept dear Millie young…
She didn’t need eggnog…
Just a little bit of Christmas tongue.

End

The Christmas Spirit

Last night, Jimmy brought home a Christmas tree.
It was big and bushy and best of all… free.
(Happy holiday!)

He found it growing out back in the park.
He took a saw and when it was dark,
He removed it.

Dispossessing squirrels and birds and such,
Jimmy thought this the right touch
For his living room.

So, Jimmy tugged and dragged it home.
He propped it up in a stand of chrome…
(What a sight!.)

Jimmy’s mother was truly surprised.
She could hardly believe her weary eyes,
When she saw it.

She hugged her son and asked no question.
“Wheres” and “hows”… you just didn’t mention
To a boy like Jim.

So, Jimmy and mom spent the evening with lights
And when they were done, the tree was a bright
Symbol of the occasion.

Sadly, when done with their cheerful chore,
There came a rapping at the front door.
(It was the park police!)

They said Jimmy’s act just wasn’t nice
And since this had happened more than twice,
Jim would have to come along.

They took Jimmy to a place for little boys,
Whose minds were filled with “shiny toys”…
Heads “all full of the music”.

It seemed odd at the time but…

When the door closed, someone saw mama smile.
A little bit faint but it was there all the while,
That Jimmy was being escorted.

It was the theory of some who were witness…
That perhaps mom sensed she’d be having a Christmas…
That would finally be merry and bright…
and peaceful…
and calm…
and restful.
and quiet.

END

Christmas Time Again

Yeah, yeah… it’s Christmas time again.
It’s time to shop and time to spend…
Time to push through the choking crowd,
Where people are rude and everyone’s loud…
Spending money like it’s nothing…
Buying things that folks aren’t wanting.
Paying twice what gifts are worth…
Desperate to capture some seasonal mirth…
Shopping for everyone… trying not to forget…
It doesn’t matter, when you’re deep in debt.
So…
Grab your wallet and open your purse…
It’s just gonna go from bad to worse.

End

Poor Jerome

Jerome wanted to be a Christmas gnome.
With this determination, he left his home…

And headed North, to the frosty pole.

Taking a taxi, a bus, a train…
He then hitched a lift on the Santa Plane.

Finally, Jerome reached his goal.

It was icy… snowy clean and white
And all seemed lit by Christmas light.

But Santa’s yard was far too serene…

There were no reindeer romping there…
Decorations drooped and lacked loving care.

For Jerome, this was a distressing scene.

The workshops… all were dark and empty.
There should have been busy elves a-plenty.

But there were none.

He observed a parchment tacked to a post
And read the document, as brittle as toast.

In an instant, Jerome’s hopes were done.

Santa had written that Christmas would come.
That the little children would still have their fun.

Good news for Joey, Sam, Betty and Dinah.

But with economy’s downward course,
Santa’s work had been outsourced

To far away India, Mexico and China.

So… poor Jerome made his way home
And called his friends on the telephone…

The herald of news not so pleasant.

This year…

Christmas colors will be chrome and lead,
Instead of traditional green and red.

As for the kiddies… don’t lick your presents.

Stash

Children Are Different

A snowflake landed on a child’s nose.
It melted… and then dripped to his toes.
He never asked, “I wonder why?”
He merely turned his face towards the sky.
And another flake quickly took its place…
This snow-fluff, that had lit upon his face.

Children are different from grownups.

An adult’s outlook is often jaded…
Over the years, optimism can become faded.
But with children, cynicism has not yet been bred….

For them,
There’s always another snowflake floating overhead.

End

Santa’s Gonna Take This Year Off

Santa’s gonna take this year off.
He’s got the sniffles. He’s got a cough.
The other night, he slipped and fell.
No… Santa’s not feeling very well.

He’s constipated and feeling grumpy.
The back of his head is awful lumpy.
There’s a constant ringing in his ears
And he’s got the fever you catch from deer.

Santa’s got a nose that’s runny.
(On Christmas Eve, that ain’t funny.)
His nagging hernia’s been acting up…
And the doctor wants his pee in a cup.

He has a stomach that’s in a spasm.
You’ve heard of shingles… well, Santa has ‘em.
His throat is as red as Rudolph’s nose.
He’s all fatigued and boy… it shows.

Last week he closed his North Pole workshop.
Everyone was fired and all the work stopped.
(What a present, right at Christmas time…
A frosty spot in unemployment’s line.)

Sometimes folks gotta help themselves.
That thought goes double for Santa’s elves.
Christmas may come but Santa will not.
His feet are cold and his head is hot.

Friends, tuck away your Christmas trees.
Santa’s just gonna sit and sneeze.
Put a hold on your holiday cheer
Cause Santa’s won’t be ‘round this year.

Santa’s laid up and taking his pills.
(This year mommy will swallow the bills.)
As for the children, some may weep…
Cause they won’t have any toys to keep.

But others may discover what they truly need
And think of their fellows instead of their greed.
They’ll enjoy their health and the love of their mothers
And instead of whining, they’ll play with their brothers.

Getting by without Santa’s gonna be hard…
If you have a chance, try to send a card.
Close your note with: Love, Betty or Jimmy
But for once in your lives…
Leave out the gimmme-gimme.

End

I might start to lose you after the first couple of lines but hang in there. There really is a lesson to be learned. Stash

Listen To Your Mother

On Christmas morning, Jeffrey got a brand new sled.
He used it once and now he’s dead.

“Santa, I don’t want no truck or sweater.”
That’s what Jeffrey wrote in his letter.

What he wanted was a sled… a lot.
And that’s exactly what Jeffrey got.

He found it wrapped on Christmas morning.
“Use it with care.” was his mother’s warning.

But little children never seem to hear.
They live a life that is devoid of fear.

So Jeffrey set out to find a hill
That would provide, for him, a suitable thrill.

He found it near a busy highway.
“I’ve got a sled, now I’ll ride it my way.”

The hill was iced and mountain high.
“Geronomo!” was Jeff’s last cry.

His day ended with a bit of bad luck…
Jeffrey slid under a ce-ment truck.

He got the present for which he wished.
But in the end, Jeff got squished.

Remember Kiddies:

If you please, tease your sister and brother…
But always listen to your dear mother.

She knows best.

END

I sense that a few of my loyal readers share the opinion that my holiday sentiments lean a bit towards the dark “grinchy” side of the street. For those, who feel a craving for an “It’s a Wonderful Life” uplift, I offer the following:

Divine Interventions

It was twenty below.
It started to snow
And it was getting very near to Christmas.
I went to the park.
It was getting dark
And it was incredible, what I would witness.

I saw a man.
He shook a can…
And begged for the change I had.
He was frozen.
I was chosen
And for some reason, I felt glad.

A coin was found…
It made a loud sound,
As it hit the man’s rusty receptacle.
Angels sang…
Bells in heaven rang,
As I stood and beheld a spectacle.

Snowflakes became wine.
He and I felt fine,
As we both tilted our heads, mouths open.
Would it stop?
We prayed not.
Or at least that’s what we were hopin’.

We drank our fill,
In the evening’s chill
And now we’re the best of good friends.
A moment’s kindness
Cured the blindness
That fate’s mistress so often sends.

An act of charity
Delivered the clarity
To transcend our outward differences.
Was it to be?
Was it destiny?
Or just one of life’s coincidences.

To make miracles real,
You have but to feel,
And share a human intention.
You can make them be…
No need of divinity…
To cause a divine intervention.

End

Desmond Was A Disgruntled Elf

Desmond was a disgruntled elf.
He grumbled, “Santa better watch himself.”

He treats me like a worthless jerk
But I’m the one who does the work.

Bang, bang, bang… make all the toys…
He really doesn’t like little girls and boys!

Toy guns and drums and candy canes…
But his captive elves are kept in chains.

And when Santa gets in a real bad mood,
He’ll refuse to fill our bowls with food.

You’ve all heard of his eight reindeer…
But what about Santa’s reign of fear?

He makes the elves all call him mister
And oooh what Santa did to my sister!

As for his jolly ho-ho-ho…
That’s just a wine bottle’s after-glow.

We poor elves lead miserable lives…
Oh yeah… Santa has three wives.

And… um… now, let me see…
Oh dear God… he’s looking at me!!

Please remember everything you’ve heard…
And if I disappear… you spread the word.

Help!

End